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Weird divorce news

Divorced parents find out their daughter is missing from the News; each thought she was with the other. Hate it when that happens.  A dad is suing the psychologist who performed their custody evaluation;  supposedly she recommended limiting his time with his son. Because he wouldn't give in and let the kid have McDonalds.  A cop hacked the NYPD system so he could spy on his ex. Another whack job claims to have converted their life savings -- $500,000 -- into gold which he then threw away. Russia is considering raising the divorce tax by 7500%. (Not a typo.) That's more than the average Russian's monthly salary. A legal scholar looks at ways the Hague Convention might simultaneously respond to child abductions vice mothers and children fleeing domestic abuse. 
Women carrying loads at the border crossing

From the BBC:   "They are known as the mule women of Melilla. Everyday they carry heavy loads across the border between the Spanish enclave and Morocco. Melilla is an important entry point for goods into North Africa - and if the women can carry them, they can be imported into Morocco duty-free."

Women carrying loads

Needless to say, these women are mostly single mothers. Horrible as this is -- just looking at the photos makes me grimace -- it's getting worse;  as unemployment worsens, Moroccan men are displacing these 'porteadoras'.



Chinese man sues wife for producing ugly children. Wins.



Cary Grant here says his daughter is ugly "to the point of being hideous".  Perhaps that's because his wife had $100,000 worth of plastic surgery before they met, to wit:

Screen Shot 2013-11-07 at 6.12.43 AM

I wonder if she even thought about this possibility.  And where she got 100 K.

What a world.



A Hypocrite's Sympathy for the Devil


Blackout Drunk Mom Passes out Breastfeeding and Kills Her Infant


If a man had done this, I'd be all "yeah, see? He's probably a narcissistic, personality disordered sub- human.  I bet the mother begged the court to protect their kids from him.  Lock him up for life!"

But, since it's a woman, all I feel is sad.  How do you live with yourself after something like that?

Yadina Morales



Look at her eyes. 

A two year old daughter of hers had also previously been violently abused by her boyfriend. 

Some kids need to be protected from their moms instead of their dads. 


In this same vein, this story caught my eye and broke my heart a little while ago;  a young father who committed cop by suicide after spending five years in court with his baby mama and losing custody.


"Just 16 hours prior to the standoff, Walker posted a chilling update to his Facebook profile expressing his desire to end his life after he said he lost his son in a custody battle.  "I've been going through this battle for five long years, and I'm tired and I've finally given up," Walker wrote. "I quit."
 
"I can't take [what] my son's mother is putting me through," Walker wrote. "She has filled [my son's] head up with so much false stuff. He has told me I'm a bad father, I'm not a good dad."

You probably wouldn't be reading this is you couldn't relate.  If you couldn't overstand.

My seven year old son used to scream, "YOU'RE THE DEVIL AND DADDY'S AN ANGEL!!!! YOU SHOULD BE IN JAIL!!!!!" 

My daughter asked me if it was true that "Dad had to do everything for us once we were born.  You wouldn't change us, or feed us, or hold us or anything?"  Somehow, I think the worst part is that he asks them, every time he lies to them about me, "you believe me don't you?"  He makes them say 'yes'.

Friday Round-up of Awful Divorce Stuff


(Also known as stories I hadn't yet deleted.)

A case study in the Journal of Men's Health suggests further research is "urgently needed" to investigate the deleterious effects of divorce on men's health, and urges doctors to refer more men to therapists (we could have told them that, couldn't we ladies?).  A buncha Catholics get divorced, but far less than other religions (must be all that kneeling).  Jayzuz:  here's a story about a missing nurse (who's likely missing because of her ex), and they still refer to their "legal squabbling".  What's a murdered woman got to do to get society to see domestic violence when it slaps HER in the face?  Amazingly, a deadbeat went to jail for non-payment and refusing to explain where his bazillions went.  Guess I'll move to England.  But not to Italy, because they're faking British residency to get easier divorces.








Wow.  Move to Naperville.  Wherever that is. "Attorneys Sandra Young and Brian Garvey have developed an innovative antidote [to decimating divorces] that is believed to be the first of its kind anywhere: “The Weekend Divorce.”  "[They book] a hotel conference room for two days and negotiate[e] every detail of the divorce agreement and sign[] all documents by the time the couple leaves on Sunday. Both attorneys assess a flat fee for their services."  This makes so much sense, it's just a matter of time til it's outlawed.
 


Divorce at the Movies:  A.C.O.D (adult child of divorce). Blue JasmineWhat Maisie Knew (this one's from the summer but I just never get over how only divorced parents can apparently ever be irresponsible narcissists).


Weird (and re the first two, hideous) compilation of random stuff showing how the entire planet is out to get women:

Pakistan:  Girl crawls out of grave after being raped by two men.  Who are not punished. 

Kenya:  Teenager gang raped, thrown into sewer, crawls out with broken back and life in a wheelchair.  Her six attackers punishment:  mowing the police station grass.


So, we've got it bad here but not that bad.  Except for the taking our children part.  But it's Friday so let's go out on a high note.


Hollywood, via Slate:   skyler_breaking  "If real wives were treated the same way as TV wives." 

"The video [above]by Jon Bershad does a pretty good job depicting a world where cops respond to domestic abuse complaints the way many viewers respond to the wives of their favorite TV “antiheroes.” But what takes the video to another level are the comments left beneath it. Such as: “People don't think Skylar [sic] is a bitch because Heisenberg is awesome but because Skylar doesnt do anything about it and just bitches,” and “I hate Skylar because shes annoying, not because of anything she does. its the way she says things etc.”


Sancti-gasm of the Day

You'll never get to me to stop believing that there isn't an issue in American life about which people are as profoundly stupid as divorce.  Sometimes I torture myself by thinking that all this is happening to me as a punishment for what a judgmental, sanctimonious, all-knowing prig I was before family court.  Oh, honey, I knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, just whose kids should be taken away, who didn't take their marriage seriously enough, and how dare that woman have her baby out so late! 

In grad school, there was a guy I hated, just hated. He was a smarmy, fast-talking lowlife headed straight for a career chasing ambulances. The day I learned he was divorced and had an infant from the marriage?  I nearly choked on self-righteousness.  I actually refused to acknowledge him when he greeted me on campus.  I told anyone who'd listen that I simply could not respect someone who was divorced with an infant.  No person of good character would 'give up' with a baby in the picture;  surely, he bolted when the wife took too long losing the baby fat. 

Of course, he was a lowlife and is now gleefully chasing ambulances, but what the hell did I know about his marriage or family? And, how could I know I'd end up getting divorced with a 3.5 year old? And an infant. 

What an idiot I was. 

And now, I get slapped in the face multiple times a day (I read a lot) with the same kind of venal, know nothing judgmentalism I once so readily dished out.  For instance, I was speaking with a liberal acquaintance who is also a state attorney in the family court system.  Without mentioning my own situation, I couldn't resist trying to figure out what exactly it is that makes so many of those who make their cushy livings off (prolonging) our misery such asshats.   

Tell me, what is it that goes on in those crazy custody battles?    

He went from affable and relaxed to disgusted and dismissive in a nanosecond.

I'll tell you what goes on. The parents just don't care!

The parents don't care about what?  I just wanted to hear him say it.

They don't care about their kids!  I swear to god, he mimed spitting on the sidewalk to signal his disgust.

Hmmm, I said. But what about the judge, the attorneys, the CPS workers? No effect on the proceedings? And it's always the case that both parents are at fault?

His eyes actually crossed a little as he tried to figure out why I was flinging non sequiturs at him.

Huh? Listen, I'm telling you--the parents just don't care!
 
And this is how one of society's best educated asshats isn't embarrassed to think......

 

You can hardly read anything (outside of the custody reform community) that wasn't written just so the writer could pat himself on the back for his own moral perfection, whatever else he claims to really be getting at. Every time I read another one, I think, 'sanctimony must feel like multiple orgasms'. So, I'm thinking I'll start sharing these sancti-gasms. Let's ridicule them the way they ridicule us.

Let's start with Diane Medved's op ed "No, you can't get a 'good' divorce."

"Constance Ahrons, who coined the phrase “good divorce,” thinks split families should meld seamlessly, without stigma, into our social fabric."
 
Without stigma? What are we? Communists? She doesn't mind divorce nearly so much as she minds that she can't form a decent sized lynch mob to ensure that the divorced never know another moment of peace.

"Children, who never have a say in their parents’ parting, become collateral damage and dismissed with the dubious phrase “kids are resilient.” 

Really?  I begged my mother to leave my father.  For years. But, what God had joined together...  By the time she finally did when I was 12, it was too late.  Of six siblings, only one had a healthy, or even lasting, relationship. It wasn't as if we'd ever witnessed one;  all we'd ever seen was that marriage is miserable.  All of us sought out, and found, spouses who'd grown up in homes where their parents also hated each other in polite silence.

"Yet a “culture of divorce” has grown as new technologies gave us feel-good instant gratification, demoting the virtues of duty and obligation. ...Marriage pledges are now really “hopes,” easily revised by a Facebook status change. ...Stripped of connection to paternity, marriage has become optional. ...Years ago, tempted cartoon characters paused to consider the coaxing of an angel perched on their right shoulder and a devil on their left. ...[but] our non-judgmental culture greases their paths out the door instead of encouraging deep introspection. ...That angel guy is so old-school, he can’t even text his apologies to the kids whose lives turn upside down."

So...you're a whore if you're not married to your kids' father and iPhones make you get divorced. 

What a nation of dumbasses we are. 

The truth will set us free


No Way to Live:  Women's Experiences of Negotiating the Family Law System in the Context of Domestic Violence.  by Dr. Lesley Laing, Faculty of Education and Social Work, University of Sydney.  June 2010. (Apparently, Family Court is the same the world over.)


This report is so dead on, I've been reading it and cackling gleefully at passages like: "Violence against women and children is interconnected. The women had experienced domestic violence both within their relationship and since separation. The domestic violence experienced by the women was severe and multifaceted and was characterized by a pattern of behaviours aimed at exerting coercive control. This type of intimate partner violence is known as “coercive controlling violence” in the Kelly and Johnson (2008) typology. The most frequently reported forms of abuse reported by the women were emotional, psychological, financial, controlling behaviours, using children, “using the system” to abuse and physical violence."

And:  "'He just wants to see his children' - a lens for excusing men's behavior.  The common belief that children need a relationship with their father, no matter the abuse they have suffered or the domestic violence witnessed, came into play in women’s contact with a range of agencies where it appeared that this provided a lens through which the man’s abusive or inappropriate behaviour was excused."*

Hallelujah!

The only thing worse than what happens to protective parents in Family Court is the fact that no one can hear us screaming.  I just can't convey how validating it is to have the evidence we need to fight for our kids and to prove that we are neither crazy nor merely out to stick it to the ex.  What happens in court is so complicated (there's a psychopath involved, remember?) and never ending -- nine years in my case -- it's nearly impossible to explain what is happening to us and why it's slowly killing us.  That's why experts like these are crucial. 



*On this note, check out Salon's investigation into the prevalence of mother's prosecuted for male violence toward her children.  Then check out the comments.  Wow.Men are making it worse: Battered, fearful mothers are not to blame

Mental Health Break

This is a cute little piece from a woman making fun of her new, short hair style.  (The end is the funniest, especially the bit about arguing with her husband.)
 
See? I'm not always in destroy mode.

Justice not even for sale

...just texted away.

image

From Poor Richard's News:  "Texas district Judge Elizabeth E. Coker is stepping down from the bench after being caught engaging in a massive perversion of justice. A whistleblower revealed that Corker was sending text messages to prosecutors with suggestions on questions to ask in court in order to secure a conviction." 

Judge Text-a-lot was allowed to resign, in an agreement that went on to say, "that the parties agree that the allegations of judicial misconduct, if found to be true, could result in disciplinary action against Judge Coker.” As a result, the parties sought to resolve the matter “without the time and expense of further disciplinary proceedings.... Coker did not admit any guilt or fault."

Lawdy, where do I begin?   I guess they'll need to save their "time and expense" for all those retrials of EVERY CRIMINAL CASE SHE EVER PRESIDED OVER.

But nah, that one makes it's own gravy.  Check this one out from good old Family Court:

A Las Vegas news show busted a family court judge and two sheriffs engaging in a truly heinous perversion of justice and misuse of power. This poor woman came to family court on a routine matter, and with her toddler present, ends up searched by a male for "contempt of cop". When she says she's going to press sexual assault charges, in court, on the mike, on camera, and with a judge presiding, she is ignored.  The two marshalls (or whatever they are--they have guns!) try to force her to recant. When she won't they arrest her (the charge is 'making false allegations'. We know they're false. Even though they have yet to be adjudicated). Her baby girl goes to foster care.  This poor woman is hysterical, but refuses to back down. She's begging the judge to  help her but THE JUDGE TURNS HER BACK.  LITERALLY. 

Thumbnail

We, the people, need to get these tyrants under control.

A Nation of Angry Men

Terrifying, the state of "men's rights" movements, especially given how effective they are in "reforming" Family Court to their preferences.  

The Prospect, we learn that they're more about hating women, and blaming us for their problems, than about actual solutions:  "Every man who visits a men's rights site concerned about male victims of rape is a man who’ll be told that women are the problem and will be offered no practical solutions, a man who won’t be connected with direct services for survivors if he needs them, a man who still doesn’t know about Just Detention International, which works to end prison rape, or Service Women’s Action Network, which is taking the lead to end sexual violence in the U.S. military for both men and women. Every man who comes to them concerned about the high rates of on-the-job fatalities for men is a man taught to blame women but who is never encouraged to support or join unions. Every man who comes to them concerned about the male suicide rate is a man who won’t be encouraged to help out with the life-saving work The Samaritans do every day."

Boston Magazine sums up the amazing success such groups have had in Massachusetts: 
"Under pressure, [family court judge-nominee] Aptaker eventually withdrew his application. “Whether you agree with them or not, [the fathers' rights groups] has become the elephant in the room,” says Mary-Ellen Manning, a council member from Salem. Watertown’s Marilyn Petitto Devaney, who’s been on the council for 14 years, says the presence of the Fatherhood Coalition has “changed the way we do business here.”"

The Daily Beast:  "Once you know where to look, it turns out the number of websites devoted to the different flavors of the MRM is legion. A large number of subreddits cater to the movement, including Reddit-Men’s Rights and Reddit- TheRedPill. Other sites, such as Return of Kings, somehow manage to peg the practice of picking up women at bars as a key element in the struggle for men’s civil rights. The Fathers Rights Foundation is just one of scores of sites that focus primarily on alimony and child-custody issues, most of which appear to be funded by law firms that specialize in divorce cases. The more radical male-separatists can find their brethren at sites such as Men Going Their Own Way."

Read and tremble because the Men's Rights Movement (MRM) gets stronger everyday. Men have legitimate problems, but hating, and terrifying, women probably isn't the solution.  As for the notion that they are discriminated against in the family courts?  Well, we who have actually been through the hell that the divorce industry is know better, don't we?

Which of us is their own worst enemy?

Without a doubt, Seth shoots himself in the foot more often in one day than most others do in a lifetime.  But, I'm forced to be no better, in my own way.

Mental illness drives him. PTSD and unfinished business with my father drive me.  (This is why cliches become cliches, cause we keep doing the same stupid things all over again.)


Here's where I'm going with this for the moment:  I constantly remind myself to leave race out of these posts, because they are absolutely meant to rescue myself and my children, and white people won't take cognizance of that which criticizes them, even if in their best interest.  But...can't be done. Not with intellectual honesty.  Ah, well.  Here's a bullet of an inconvenient truth for my own foot.  (Note:  with the exception of one of my son's (awful) therapists, I'm the only person of color whose ever been involved in this nightmare.)




First week of school at the Open House, and all of the last two years since I was forced to give up custody, and at both kids' schools:  the teachers and administrators of two of the best respected and largest (read:  rich, suburban and white), schools have dropped everything to do the bidding of.... let's just go with 'one parent, among hundreds, whose demands smack of a relentless need to punish and control his ex-wife'.  The fact that they bother to lie to me about what they're doing says it all.  For instance, I ask if they're reporting on me to Seth (not to stop, just whether they are or not), they say 'no' (in quite high dudgeon, by the way).  Then, within the half hour, I receive a gloating text or email from His Nibs containing their latest situation report on me. Why do they tell such transparent lies?  Why not just refuse to answer?
     
That's first.

Second:  We're sitting in court recently, reviewing the report of a CPS claim I made (the only one I've made in nine years though there have been plenty of investigations).  Except, it's not so much a 'report' as typographical fellatio for Seth and a burning at the stake for me.

A young CPS worker -- 26, 27 and no doubt fresh from her Women's Studies major -- all but wept for him through the fonts.  Swear to god, she actually wrote the phrase"absolutely no evidence".   Helps to understand why they only let me read it through once and won't let me have a copy.  ($100 says he has a copy.)  There are seven years of 'founded' CPS reports in the file nailing him to the wall, I'm confident the GAL painted the true picture for her, and, of course, there's the fact that he has custody but NEVER ONCE won any of his many trials.  He was never adjudged the better parent.  Ì showed her that, at the time I was forced to give him custody, he'd been found to be too dangerous to be alone with them even on the phone.  No way she didn't get the off the record scuttlebutt because, let me tell you, it was standing room only at our trials he's so bonkers.  But she, and she alone, sees the 'truth'.  

It is a breathtakingly stupid report.  All her parents tuition money for this?     


Third, the judge.  Some sort of renta-judge filled in for ours who, complicated and longstanding as our case is, wasn't there.  The clerk could have told everyone that when we checked;  instead, we have seconds to decide whether or not to 'consent'.  Once I'd called CPS (I'll explain why later), Seth would only let me see the kids infrequently and in public, supervised by him.  We couldn't go another month like that so....

The judge dispenses with the CPS blo report and I, used to having my rights violated, just move on, asking him to order Seth to let the kids spend the night without his inspecting my home.  Yes, he wants to inspect my home, and not while the kids are there because I may fail and he doesn't want them disappointed (for 'inspect', read:  'piss in the four corners of').  Seth spoke for hours, bringing up everything under the sun (surprised he left out my weight gain). Irrelevancies, or lies, every one, as usual, but I didn't interrupt.  I never do.

The GAL supported me and I  tried to redirect to the issue (you know, a mother and her children being denied each other for no good reason and in violation of the order). Seth immediately began ranting over me.  Instead of telling him to shut up, r-judge spits out that he "won't listen to this childishness!" Boots us.  No ruling on the visits.  

Knowing what I'll see, I look over at Seth, who had stopped ranting on a dime when the judge had his hissy. He nodded to himself, satisfied as an accountant whose rows and columns had finally tallied.  Though he is an utter rageaholic, he's also a sociopath and that had been pure performance.   I'm guessing that litigants have been pulling that one since the Magna Carta, yet it worked.  Again.  Only the two Support Magistrates we've seen shut him down.

So, to summarize, a)  a gullible twenty-something CPS dupe ignores nine years of unequivocal evidence and risks her professional credibility (and my kids' lives**) to protect a man her own co-workers were afraid to be alone with, b) if you annoy a judge, they can sanctimoniously refuse to do their jobs yet cash their checks and it still counts as 'the best interest of the children.'  Interesting logic:   punish both parties when only one's at fault but, really, punish the innocent because the guilty party definitely 'won'.  The kids and I could go pound sand.  Psycho Seth would let us see each other when, and how, he damned well pleased. By refusing to rule,  r-judge did, in fact, rule.  For the guilty party.




My longwinded point?  This:  segregation served many, many complex purposes.  One of them was the vain attempt to keep us from being able to see just how not special white people are.  



**Prior to this, I've had great respect for our local CPS.  Every investigatior sized him up quickly (I believe) and handled him approriately. But he wasn't hiding his rage then. Now that he has custody, he does this "I'm so confused, why is she saying these things" routine.  Cries a lot.  But here's a typical example of how vindictive and dangerous CPS can be:  it took an appeals court to overturn the trial court's decision to terminate a mother's parental rights simply because she made it plain that she resented the hell out of having to deal with CPS. The same CPS -- which never should have investigated her in the first place  -- that consistently reported her to be in full compliance with all their tyrannous demands.  

Message in a Bottle: Court Ordered Domestic Violence

There's nowhere left to turn. If someone doesn't help us soon, it will be too late.  

So, in utter desperation, I turn to you, world.  All I can do is hope my words wash up on some sunny shore somewhere over the rainbow and under the boardwalk where miracles happen. Where women and children are protected both by their men and from them.  Otherwise, my ex-husband will kill us all eventually.  And all the government agencies (read: minions of the 1%) I've begged to control him will refuse to explain themselves, pretending it's our privacy that restrains them. Handy, that.

Huge mistake. I know.  But, again:  desperate.

By the way, if you like a good train wreck, stay tuned:  in order to ride that last, unridden inch of my coattails, "Seth"* will be publishing his version of events.  He didn't tell me this.  He doesn't tell me anything, even if court ordered to do so.  Now that it's too late, now that even a drooling idiot would see what was coming, I finally know who I married.  I expect a massive website, vblogs and podcasts of secretly recorded events and conversations that will further humiliate me.  (He works unbelievably hard, but only on the stupidest things imaginable. I kept waiting for him to come home with magic beans.) 

Although, I'm pretty much immune to humiliation anymore.  Try getting a DUI outside your kids' day care because you just couldn't face YET ANOTHER court hearing stalking you for the next morning**, so you mixed Xanax with alcohol for lunch. Lunch.  You managed not to kill yourself but fell asleep (duh) and your regular 20 minute afternoon nap lasted six hours***.  Past closing time at day care.  'Dignity' is something you have to jettison the day you get involved with a sociopath with narcissistic personality disorder.  

Yeah, I diagnosed him myself.  


The point of this post:  nothing.  Primal scream.  I know it goes nowhere, but if I didn't force myself to start, I'd avoid it for another decade.  These things need saying.

I have to do something.  He's dismantling them psychologically.  My 12 year old is pulling his hair out from the roots.  Two big crop circles on his head. My 9 year old is an insomniac -- both kids are afraid he'll kill them in their sleep.
And he pits them against each other.  My daughter is making herself over into a little adult, nagging and narc'ing on her much less organized brother so his failure to be perfect won't incense their father.  He resents the hell out of it.  They fight. She sits around agonizing over whether Grandpa Dave can take care of Grandma Pearl or whether she belongs in a nursing home.   

There was once another little girl who responded the same way -- 9 year old adult, perfect grades, hectoring my siblings to keep house like White House maids -- to the same kind of abuse, but with much more emphasis on the hitting.


That little girl grew up to marry her father even though she'd written a book about how abusive he'd been.  I'll be damned if my daughter will. And I'd rather be dead than watch my son do to his wife and children what he's being forced to endure now.
  

One way or another, what's happening to us needs to end.  I'm going to make it so.

*"Seth" in solidarity with the awesome blog One Mom's Battle, about Tina Swithin's ultimately successful battle against the sociopathic culture of the divorce industry her personality-disordered ex.  Her lunatic ex's pseudonym is good enough for her, if it's good enough for me.


**Support court that time. He wanted me to pay him about $5k. The amount his firm had paid towards my portion of the health insurance. This was not money deducted from his paychecks.  That Magistrate sized him up quickly and dealt with him summarily.  Either people 'see' him right away or they never do.  Deep background:  we'd agreed by cout order settling our divorce, we'd exchange certain personal items.  When I showed up to retrieve my f'ing hair dryer, he had a 3 page documengt ready for me to sign, including a promise to pay this $5K.  Tons of cops.  They pressured him to just give me my freaking Bible books.  HE SAID NO AND THEY JUST BACKED DOWN.

***Seth was all up and through in that -- more on that later-- but it's a fact that I mixed alcohol and Xanax for lunch.  

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Recent Posts

  1. Weird divorce news
    Wednesday, November 13, 2013
  2. A Hypocrite's Sympathy for the Devil
    Monday, November 04, 2013
  3. Friday Round-up of Awful Divorce Stuff
    Friday, November 01, 2013
  4. Sancti-gasm of the Day
    Wednesday, October 30, 2013
  5. The truth will set us free
    Tuesday, October 29, 2013
  6. Mental Health Break
    Tuesday, October 29, 2013
  7. Justice not even for sale
    Monday, October 28, 2013
  8. A Nation of Angry Men
    Thursday, October 24, 2013
  9. Which of us is their own worst enemy?
    Wednesday, October 23, 2013
  10. Message in a Bottle: Court Ordered Domestic Violence
    Saturday, October 12, 2013

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