Debra Doesn't Live Here Anymore
Somehow, I've decided that the building is white with mauve trim. Both decidedly past their prime and not scheduled for a touch up anytime soon. Because of its address deep in the heart of ghetto Albany's commercial zone, I've also decided that there's an African hair braiding salon to one side. A Korean nail shop on the other. Safe bet. Both are ubiquitous in the hood. Along with beauty supply shops, bodegas and pizza by the slice. All shabby, all catering to blacks but few owned by us. Immigrant moxie never fails to amaze me. (No, Africans are not 'black'. They're African. It's an insult to Africans to assume that being from Ghana is the same as being from Detroit.) A holy roller, storefront Protestant church will be within a stone's throw, convenient to a Quickie Mart run by South Asians where naughty kids spend the coins they were meant to tithe. Since I've also decided that the building isn't so marked, I wonder if those industrious ghetto-preneurs know their fourteen hour days are spent next door to a homeless shelter.
So far, picturing the place my kids and I will likely end up this week doesn't make it any easier to make the call.
The longer I dither, the faster we run out of the final few dollars I have to pay for this hotel room. Something tells me 'the suits' who run this joint won't carry me for as long as my lovely landlord did. My former landlord, now that we're homeless. What do hotels do anyway when you can't pay your bill? I'll let you know.
I'm just like the rest of you. Even as I donate to panhandlers, with their dubious "homeless veteran" signs, I can't help believing that their plight is mostly their own fault. Shame on me. I can't know why any random street person is destitute but I know why I am: my divorce. Five and a half years of litigation later (we were only married for five) I've lost everything. My career. My health. My home. My possessions. Our beloved cat and my very sense of self. Now, most likely, my kids since I can't provide a home for them. But the only reason I can't is because family court never ends, not as long as one of the parties doesn't want it to. When we separated, all we had were two kids and debt. Yet the battle rages on and it has defeated me. I stopped counting the attorneys' fees at the $100,000 mark and I rarely bother to open my mail since it's all from collection agencies. I'm 51. I'll spend the rest of my life repaying my unbelievably generous, foolish friends.
I'm not writing this to settle scores with my ex. The specifics of our legal conflict is unworthy of public attention. I'm writing this because I'm going to lose my kids as a punishment for running out of money.
I want the world to know this.
Last but not least in the litany of all that I've lost is my passion for writing. This experience has been so debilitating, I gradually lost my love for wordsmithing. My long-term unemployment in the post-internet wasteland that is now journalism and publishing hasn't helped. To be sure, I could work all day everyday as a writer were I willing to do so for peanuts. Just turned down a job reviewing six books. For fifty dollars.
So, I'm also writing this to see if I can regain the indescribable satisfaction that my craft used to bring me. The poor are often written about but rarely do they, we, get to speak for themselves. I'll be using this blog to do just that. I won't be chronicling my legal battle but rather how I go about holding my family together through this nightmare. Most of all, I'll be writing about becoming Debra again. I've been whittled down to either 'the 'petitioner,' 'the respondent' or Mom. Never Debra. I want her back again.
I wrote my way out of a difficult life once. I'll do it again.
I think “our land of opportunity” creed is in need of some rehab; too many of our talented and capable citizens are struggling economically. Your comment about the pittance for book reviews struck a nerve with me , especially as it relates to journalism in 2010 America.
One of the current trends is a very old one that many of us assumed died in the dust of the Great Depression. Namely, man’s penchant for working another man for free or nearly so . The worst form of this exploitation is slavery –but we’ve devised lots of little conventions short of that.
We have all sort of ingenious ways of getting fellow American to work for free or as close as we can legally/practically get to free/cheap labor. Were profits or low taxes are concerned –cheap labor works just fine; it avoids most of those pesky PR problems that comes with slavery.
A Free vs Cheap labor in land of opportunity ? No! Can’t be true –can it ? But true it is ; if you ask some of our inmate prison labor , exploited legal and illegal farm workers ,corporate interns , factory workers who’ve lost jobs to captive Chinese labor camps or a journalist reviewing a book for pennies an hour – the distinction between free and cheap loses much of the significance .
Finally, I’d argue that the lost of ad revenue from the Wal-Martization of America ,an its attendant policies and impact,has more to do with vanishing journalism jobs than the internet .Lots of readers use the internet because they can no longer afford subscriptions to newspapers and magazines .
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Corrections
Debra I wish you all the best as you reclaim your pride and sense of self
I think “our land of opportunity” creed is in need of some rehab; too many of our talented and capable citizens are struggling economically. Your comment about the pittance for book reviews struck a nerve with me , especially as it relates to journalism in 2010 America.
One of the current trends is a very old one that many of us assumed died in the dust of the Great Depression. Namely, man’s penchant for working another man for free or nearly so . The worst form of this exploitation is slavery –but we’ve devised lots of little conventions short of that.
We have all sort of ingenious ways of getting fellow American to work for free or as close as we can legally/practically get to free/cheap labor. Where profits or low taxes are concerned –cheap labor works just fine; it avoids most of those pesky PR problems that comes with slavery.
A Free vs Cheap labor in land of opportunity ? No! Can’t be true –can it ? But true it is ; if you ask some of our inmate prison labor , exploited legal and illegal farm workers ,corporate interns , factory workers who’ve lost jobs to captive Chinese labor camps or a journalist reviewing a book for pennies an hour – the distinction between free and cheap loses much of the significance .
Finally , I’d argue that the lost of ad revenue from the Wal-Martization of America ,an its attendant policies and impact,has more to do with vanishing journalism jobs than the internet . Besides ,lots of readers use the internet because they can no longer afford subscriptions to newspapers and magazines .
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Dear Debra,
I have been monitoring your career for quite sometime. I definitely enjoy reading you. You will pull through this because you are smart and courageous. I just hope in the future your politics move more to the left. What I mean by this is that we as a community must begin to look at reshaping institutions, and stop blaming the victims. Pulling one up by one's bootstrap is overrated. We as black people, and working class people of all colors must abandon these cultural self-help ideologies and look to community based solutions. Your a Harvard educated lawyer, who has served her country in the military. There is no way you should be homeless. Many people will fault you as being irresponsible, somehow. But unfortunately I know far too many black people with distinguished pedigrees and can not get a job that suits their skills or if they do have a job it is beneath them. In your case there are structural changes in how media is working today and print media has all but collapsed, at least as we know it. I think you should use your situation to organize your community, so that they get the social services that you deserve. Family court definitely is in need of reform. You would be a great person to run an organization that could help create change. As far as your situation now file for bankruptcy, if you have student loans pay the lowest percentage and get one of those jobs that are beneath you for now. If I was you do something in the legal profession, if you did not take or pass the bar—then do para-legal work for now. Continue writing and start working to change some of these institutions that help keep working class people impoverished.
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Wow.... I first bought your book, An American Story, in 2001 as an enlisted sailor in the USN. A few months later, as I was preparing to leave for USAF Officer Training School, I was given An American Story by 3 different people as a going away gift. Our experiences paralleled in so many ways and I was following the same path ... (complete with my interest in law school). The similarities gave me so much hope.... I grew up in E. St. Louis and was so tired of people recoiling at the mention of my hometown -- your book was such a welcome addition to my life. No excuses -- not color, not community, not public education, not upbringing, not income/class -- you are capable of doing "it" -- no excuses. That was my take away from your words ... your life. I am now a Maj (select) and currently deployed to AFG -- still following one of my favorite authors. It will not end.
I have followed you over the years from Salon to MoJo... and now here. I have no doubt this is yet another obstacle you will overcome with great success! I will do my little part to support your works. I believe in you.
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I can relate to the fear and sadness of your situation, Debra. I was a single mom for 13 years and although family lived no more than five minutes away, I struggled with the humiliation of not being able to provide the basics for my two young children - $28 for a week's worth of groceries, utilities being shut off, the car getting repo'd. It was nothing more than sheer dumb luck that we never ended up homeless - the job that would suddenly appear the day the eviction notice was posted on the door, all sorts of little miracles.
My partner is in his second year of divorce which has included felony charges and jail time for emailing his ex about the welfare of the family pets (in violation of an order of protection which was obtained through lies), bankruptcy, repo men screaming on the front lawn, subpoenas for ridiculous court hearings, tens of thousand in lawyers fees, eviction... you are not alone.
Your writing will be your salvation. My prayers to you and your family.
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Wow. This story is sadly not uncommon. I know how poverty can feel totally paralyzing and family court painful. If you find it within yourself to ask for monetary help from a world wide circle of people who know you through your words, you may find relief.
Now is a hard time to navigate the almost non-existent social safety net in the US but that is also at your disposal.
The most valuable thing you have is your will and it is what this situation is trying to strip you of. Never stop going to court because you will lose your kids by default. Never stop waking up in the morning because depression will swallow you whole. Never forget that you are never too poor to be a wonderful, caring parent.
My understanding is that the state of NY has some of the most convoluted divorce laws that are easily exploited to prolong the process. I would suggest appealing personally, formally and informally to the presiding judge or clerk (they can sometimes pull strings) and inform them of how this case has drained your resources and how a resolution is in the best interest of the children. The most difficult solution is probably the fastest. Come to an agreement with your former husband.
Whatever you choose to do, know that most people do not get what they deserve and that is a blessing and a shame at the same time. While I hope you find your love of writing once again, remember that your love of self is the one you can't afford to loose.
Best Wishes,
Denise
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This story is horrific. What kind of country is this that we live in where a woman and mother of your education, talent, and value can be in this situation. I look at your books on my bookshelf, I think back to The Last Plantation and all those posts on Mother Jones, to your appearance on Stephen Colbert's The Colbert Report and I sit here stunned asking over and over...how does this happen? Whatever, you do, Debra, please do not stop writing. Keep writing. As long as you write, you will not lose Debra. Debra is a writer. Your words are where your soul resides. If you stop writing, you will lose it. You may be separated from your children (or you may not), but you will never lose them. They are a part of you and and will come back to you when you write yourself out of this nightmare. This, too, shall pass. Know that. And when it does, as my dear brother, always told me when I went through difficult times, you will be AWESOME!!!!
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Debra, I just heard you on the takeaway.org justifying why a black women could yell at a white woman for dating a black man. How could you explain this as not racism? Would a black woman yell at a black women for dating a black man? If black women are feeling lonely, do they yell at every heterosexual couple because every heterosexual couple represents one less male which contributes to the possibility of remaining "alone." I think your rationality is exactly the problem with a double-standard towards what is racism.
And if all the racism blacks have encountered could be boiled down to some selfish emotional state (such as the loneliness you posited) then I guess all the racism that ever occurred is now all acceptable. I would love a response to this because I am completely confounded by your thought process and to me demonstrates why the world is still very color-blind and it just comes out despite attempts to be politically and socially correct.
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a nicely focused piece of writing, am thankfull for your notes.
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